Complications and the Catches
by Selphiebunny
Summary: I love you because I cannot love myself. When I see your eyes, your blond hair and the kind smile that wraps your lips, I freeze and the memories that have long since faded return. BL


Disclaimer: Don't own Dogma. Kevin Smith does, wonderful genius that he is.

Warning: Slash, more or less. Angst.

Pairing: Bartleby/Loki

Summary: I love you because I cannot love myself. When I see your eyes, your blond hair and the kind smile that wraps your lips, I freeze and the memories that have long since faded return. Redemption, repentance. I love you, I love you I say but it's not enough anymore.

_So impressed with all you do_

_tried so hard to be like you_

_flew too high and burnt the wing_

_lost my faith in everything_

_**Complications And The Catches**_

()()()-

Trickery of the mind. That's what every second is, every brief minute you think reality gives you something small and precious to hold onto. Simply trickery.

I will never understand human emotions, how they turn off and on so easily and how they react to _everything_, even the smallest of tragedies. It puzzles me, but I think, just maybe, I'm beginning to be enlightened somewhat. There is one emotion, and it's quite complex, maybe the hardest of all to understand but I think I know how it feels and the heartache that goes with it.

Love.

It's something I've seen quite often in the human race and it causes many reactions in itself. Mortals cry because of it, they smile because of it and they lie because of it. They also do incredibly outrageous things to get it. Of all the oddest things, everyone seems to want it.

And why wouldn't they want this fowl, horrid emotions that hurts more than helps? I certainly didn't want it, no I didn't. Especially when I killed the only one besides Her that I loved and felt connected with.

I was insane, I was deranged not to mention incredibly pissed off.

Love, sex, hate, tragedy.

It's a cycle.

Now, when I touch him, it's simply not the same because he flinches away from me, hisses at my presence. We were given another chance, but how can I be happy because of it? He hates me, it's the truth no matter how much he denies it. I'm poison and I'm slowly killing him, second by second, minute by minute and time doesn't stop to give him the antidote.

"Loki," I say, my voice containing as much sincerity as it can without it being sickeningly full of pity that neither of us deserve nor want. "It's not so bad, this human existence, please look at me?"

He's always buried underneath the covers in the bed we share, never getting out, always staying it. Sometimes I think its trapped him, deluded him and took him away from me but then I come to my senses and realize it's only a bed, an inanimate object.

He shrugs, his eyes are now darker, his hair too and it makes me frown, silently weeping for him. The sheets slide down to expose supple skin, still as pale as a ghost. He's thinner because he refuses to eat, saying it looks disgusting. He still despises mortal traditions.

"What?" he says and his voice is a bit higher, drowsy and I believe that he died. I hate that, 'I slept so well I died and went to Heaven' or something. My nerves can't take much more of him, being this way. I never asked him to forgive me, never even brought it up because I knew his answer.

Loki, the angel of death, never forgives his betrayers. And, I except that completely.

He could at least _try_ to feign happiness, if only for himself. He;s making himself sick from not eating, not going out in the light. We're mortal now, plenty of things can and probably _will _kill us.

I sit down on the edge of the bed, unfortunately not missing his small flinch. My eyes stray up his sinewy body, not missing any curve or crevice the sheets reveal. He speaks again, uncomfortable under my gaze. "What? Seriously Bartleby, you're scaring me now."

And I say the words I vowed I wouldn't speak for the first time since our renewal on earth. "I'm sorry."

His entire face scrunches up in obvious disbelief and in that one second, I can tell he hates me. "Sure," he says quietly, moving as far away as he can without getting up. This fucking emotion called love has to act up and I can feel what a heart is, it's screaming at me, thumping so loud I think I'll pass out. My body heats up and I feel something break inside me. "If you were fucking sorry Bartleby, you'd make it right, you'd..."

"What do you expect from me Loki? I made a mistake, a fatal one and there's nothing I can do to change it no matter what I do! Get used to it!"

He sits up and his eyes are wide, tears are streaming down as he brings his hands up to his baby face. Even when he's breaking down, he's still the innocence. Complete innocence.

His snarl cuts me worse than a thousand knives ever could and his tears only preceded to rip my heart apart until there's nothing but a small substance that thumps so loudly, I feel light headed. Make it stop.

"What if I don't fucking _WANT _to get used to living here? What then? Will you just accept my disdain and leave me alone? You must know how I truly feel about you!"

And...how do you truly feel about me Loki, my love?

He lies back down, staring passively at the ceiling. I crawl to him, ready to jump away if he'd suddenly strike me and gently touch my hands to his cheeks, cradling his beautiful face. I slowly descend, devouring his mouth. He makes no move whatsoever to stop me. This is what we need, I can tell by the way he wraps his arms around my neck, allowing my weight on him.

Every kiss brings us farther apart, destroying the solid bond we once had but neither of us care because for a few moments, the pain of human existence will be taken away and he doesn't register that it's me he gives himself to. The kisses get harder, deeper and our mouthes become needier and relentless. Soon, I'm inside and all I can see or think about is pure absolute bliss.

I lay beside him, basking in the glow of his body, watching his chest rise and fall and something inside me aches. I don't understand why until he curls up to me and whimpers out, "make it stop Bartleby, make it stop!"

I hold him, soothe him but the sobs get worse. "Make what go away Loki?" I whisper softly in his ear.

He lifts his head up, locks of golden silk fall into his crystal blue eyes, obscuring proper vision. He presses as close as possible to me, hisses and thrashing in odd directions. I'm starting to get worried.

"Make this stupid ache go away, I hate it! I hate that you give it to me! No human should live with the pain of loving someone. No one should have to live with the tragedy of hating that same person! Those two emotions should never mix!"

I let him cry softly on my chest, and I sob with him. Loki isn't as oblivious as everyone perceives, he knows what mortal emotions are and how they work.

He isn't the naive child I once loved.

_Just like you would always say we'll make it through_

_Then my head fell apart_

_And where were you?_

Where do the lines of love and hate cross? Good question.

()()()-

End. Or, I might continue if anyone likes it...hmm if I get five or six reviews maybe. I have a steady plot I could form. Otherwise, it's a one-shot. Lyrics belong to _Nine Inch Nails, "Somewhat Damaged_"


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